welp, internet is hard for me to come across so i fear i only can post a few times a week... and hard to over weekends. anyhizzle, i made a short video of the annual take back the night protest march in iowa city this past thursday. i had never gone before, but had always heard of it from all of my feministfriends. all in all it was a good experience. a couple things erked me about the tradition... well i guess the main thing i noticed was that after the protest, i was super paranoid of every male i saw walking home that night, and i've never felt that way in iowa city. does awareness come with this price? does it have to? i cant help but think it is naive of me to even pretend to feel safe. but..honestly i have always felt safe in iowa city.
after the march and hearing women speak of how they have been abused.... instead of empowering me, it made me incredibly depressed, i wonder if this was the same for others.
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I felt the same exact way, that's coming from a feminist guy. I didn't know whether to clap in support of feel incredibly awkward with the silence. Whether this was meant as a vigil or a rally, since it was extremely hard for me, esp. trembling at the chance to speak in front of everyone or holding back the tears.
I also wanted to add, I hope I didn't make you feel paranoid walkin' you back to the IMU that night, I almost wished I'd offered you my hand, I regard you with the affinity of family. Anyone passionate about art, feminism, political activism and social change is more akin to my beliefs than even MY NEO-CONSERVATIVE PARENTS!!! I felt I really wanted to talk, but missed my chance at the mic on the Pentacrest, I didn't know how to put it, after years of hiding the pain and anguish, most of what happened to my sister I've written about but otherwise bear in silence. It affected me (since we're close,) my whole boyhood perception of men, and even into my adult life, I've never felt comfortable with the same lifestyle as other men. Going to the bars and hearing all the stories of men taking advantage of women, bragging of their sexual exploits/conquests, tellin' dirty jokes. Even in the locker rooms of high school, I was always the guy who said "Dude, That's Not Cool," whenever I heard a snyde comment on sex or innuendoes. Most guys alienated me thinking I was gay since I just didn't have the tolerance to hear or share in their conversations or views towards women as sex objects. I just couldn't fit into that world, because of what my sister went through and how it changed my perspective as a guy. I was always suspicious of other guys' intentions, since my sister's rapist didn't get prosecuted, I wanted retribution, the nightmares that haunted me, since I was the first person she told, before my parents(who only blamed the victim.) The castration fantasies, wanting revenge in the cruelest of ways, when I heard about that one rape victim that spoke at the rally, saying how she'd blamed herself and inflicted injuries with a razor, mutilating her own body out of guilt or disgust. There was something about that incident that transformed me, I wanted justice and pursued my revenge through the legal path, being an advocate for rape and sexual assault victims in a place where justice was least likely to be served for women: THE MILITARY. After years, I still feel the pain is fresh, there is a great book called "Telling to Live" about Latino women who experienced some of the most painful and traumatic sexual violence, finding closure in their pens, and writing to heal. I use art in a similar purpose, I've dealt with painful, sensitive topics, since I am a survivor, a mild sufferer of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder,) it's kinda the underlying reason for my documentary on homeless vets, but also to understand what my dad and his generation went through. sometime, I should let you read my personal essays, the ones that made the yuppies at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival feel uncomfortable and made the room shrink because I actually wrote with full CONVICTION. it's rare when writers open themselves to esp. painful memories that make them feel vulnerable infront of their audiences, but such is the way I write: totally naked, honest, and free.
one more thing: I know, I need a blog account ^_^ anyway, I just wanted to say, I wish I could hug each and everyone one of those women who had the courage to speak, I wish I could've mustered the courage myself, I felt weak, trembling, feeling guilt for not releasing the anger, or not knowing what I might say that could possibly offend other men(because my anger sometimes knows no limit.) There really were two incidents in my life that distanced me from other me: my sister's rape, and my military experience. I might even claim those periods I hated men, and sought womens' studies/literature, feminism, and this class we're in(which doesn't completely live up to my expectations,) but that exploration of feminist topics and worldviews helped heal and give somewhat of a positive view to men(if you could believe that,) I really needed the reassurance from women, that it was ok to still be a guy, that I wasn't a villain, like my sister's rapist, that I wasn't a brute carrying a club like the soldier I was trained to be. I pissed off alotta men with my critique of masculinity in my writing, my criticism of inherently "male traditions." I broaden the scope and I think they sense and smell a feminist in male clothing ^_^ that I'm hardly part of their pack. Again, I wanted to say, I love your hair, and you can post that pic if you want, I'll give you a digital copy. That's the best pic of a friend I've taken in along time, it makes me sad to think I hardly have any friends in my albums, but then again, what do facebook friends matter anyway. I spend time on what matters, drink at home to keep productions moving along, and saving what I can to fund thinks outta pocket. Starving Artist Productions should host a fundraiser or something, maybe a benefits dinner :) I'm a chef, I could sponsor a fundraiser dinner, that's an awesome idea, but what to cook?
here's my photo-link to my albums on facebook, sure it's just a teenie-bopper, social flaunts website without any serious interest in what's really goin' on or having a critical stance in society, but I am one of few who can appreciate their "News Feed" updates, so I can send my images, writing, ideas out into the public. For me, I get greater circulation and visibility, even if I don't make my rounds downtown taking pics of drunk friends like everyone else, it still gives me free publicity :) facebook, really is a b/s waste of time, I just use their server space to dump pics ^_^, since that's endless. anyway: Take Back the Night:http://iowa.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2090244&id=14815224&l=99f3c.
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